Thursday, May 10, 2012

A terrible Mistake I made and Learned

Sorry for the lapse in Posting boys and girls...

Since I wrote last, Husband left me, apparently cus I was raped and he couldnt deal. Low blow to say that crap. Firsst it wass cus he was starting to get physical with me and it scared him. ( not like he was going to do anything about fixing it,m and I had slid into that "if I try harder mentality, he will be happier.... HOLY CRAP !!"

Where had Cindy Gone???

He disappeared for two weeks before popping up with that one. Left me with no income, no rent money and food. I was rambling roud in the dark praying crying and sleeping in closets..,.He did eventually talk about providing til I got on feet financially ( I mm on disability and much of my money goes to Neurologist and docs cus of brain damage from DV 24 years ago.)I ve had three surgeries in last month, plus all the docs and meds... guess where my disability goes haha.

He did give me credit for fighting thru therapy, docs, psych and all to get better and it was a long road...( grand of him) Couldnt have done it without him I suppose. Bad thing was He was the strong silent type so I did it alone and he never spoke up about anything or went to docs or therapy with me to see how he could help. SUpport your family members yall.

So for those readers with spouses/friends/family dealing with this stuff

1. do not blame her for crimes against her. I know I felt less than for years,. Defective, damaged goods and I would never be normal again. He reiterated it when he left me. Made it even worse. Just support or if you cant bite the bullet and keep your yap shut.

2. If you are survivor, You are a SURVIVOR. You got through the worse thing ever in whatever way you could. You lived even if it doesnt feel like living at times...

3. You are worthy of love, respect and honor by those who love you, including family husbands and parents. If they dont believe or blame you, that is their problem not yours. Walk away Run away get away. You have to save your self before you begin to believe the lies they feed you. I am worthwhile. God has plans for you. Yoou may be able to reach others like yourself that no one else understands. But first you put the oxegyn mask on you before you put it on the baby.

4. GET HELP, GET THERAPY, GET COUNSELING, GET IT ALL. Do not rely upon family to help you because they are dealing with issues of it themselves. Its sad but it does affect them too.. Even if it doesnt show, or manifest it self in ways you want.

Oh and by the way, He had another girlfriend, thats why he left. He had a whole secret life I never bothered to snoop into. I trusted him. It wasnt ME, he just was done and wanted out. He admitted he should have spoke up about his needs. and eventually apologized for the low cutting remarks. Too bad. Words are like water, you cant take them back once said. ( that goes for you too ladies)

I felt so much freer knowing it was a change of chicks than something as I was a horrible person. I survived so much, gang rape, loss of a pregnancy during that, attempted murder and the fire that made me homeless and eating out of garbage cans for months while I was drinking my self to death after all this crap cus I wouldnt get help... Pride will get ya everytime.

So what if he swapped me for a blonde?> Truly, in the scheme of things, Life has been much harder and I much happier now. He did me a favor. And I honestly can say thanks and I want himm happy too. He broke alot of promises, but that is for him and God to sort out. Mine is to learn how to make enough money to live on, without going over the govt cap of 1000.00

So now I the official poor person haha. But I am rich in spirit! Good will works, food banks and churches have been kind.

But to each of you women, a warning: Plan for this. I did not and I m payig now for it. Set aside 10% of each paycheck or money you get and put it in YOUR name and never touch it.

Thursday, February 9, 2012

Man Found Guilty of DV ordered to Buy Flowers and Dinner

From the Files of are freaking kidding me?

What parallel universe is this asshat judge living in? I am so outraged I can barely type.

Men who abuse follow a pattern... Charmingly sweet, they are the last people we expect to harm us. ( we wouldnt fall for them if they were outright bruisers). They slowly isolate the woman from her social and familial contacts, and as she becomes dependent upon him, he starts belittling and "fising", helping her.
One day, she says or does something that sets him off and he reacts in violence. He is immediately repentant. Sorry follows with flowers and heartfelt apologies and words of "I ll never do it again." Or "If you just had not made me so angry honey."

And the honeymoon cycle begins.. eventually the tension starts building though until his next outburst of violence, the apologies and make ups, and then the honeymoon cycle of he's the greatest, sweetest charmer...

To think this judge is unaware of the well documented cycle of violence!

According to the article, the man only pushed her to the sofa, put his hands around her neck and threatened to hit her in a spat over forgetting her birthday. ( again, her fault)

So the judge says buy her dinner at Red Lobster and a card and take her bowling. And see a marriage counselor. Because it wasnt that serious a case. She didnt think she was in danger. I didnt think I was either even when I was being pounded for 15 minutes. I figured it be over soon. But that isnt the point. We arent supposed to just take it! That is just stupid!

Back in the 80's there were no laws against beating your partner. There are now. But not if they dont get enforced by the courts.

Read here

Monday, February 6, 2012

PTSD A Recurring Suck fest of Fun.

I have to face a sad fact tonight. I am not the brave chick I thought I was. I have not been the smartest cookie in the box of Nilla wafers. I have coped with my issues as best I could, but I have lied to myself to save face, to keep trudging. Tonight I attened a womens group for Domestic Violence. I have shared my story many times in public and in theraputic settings. I rarely cry about it, because it is the past and not much can be done about it. Its done. Whining doesnt fix it. Learning about why I do the things I do is what I try to focus on. Solutions not problems.

I think I am fairly brave and strong. When I am standing in front of a crowd telling my story, or at an art show, selling my Jewelry, I have no problem. I traveled the world alone in my previous career as a cruise agent.

Sail to Southampton on the Queen Elizabeth II and take the Orient Express to London, Chunnel over to Paris and Jet home on the Concorde with 30 customers? No problem! Cruise the Greek Isles and Turkey? Wandering the streets of Istanbul, exploring the Aga Sofia and the Blue Mosque? Piece a cake. Flying standby in countries where I could not speak the language? easypeasy. I even slept through a crash during take off with a flock of gulls which took out an engine and we had to emergency land in Franfurt. ( Ok that worried me a bit)

But this residual PTSD from my past assaults has me stumped! I have gone through therapy off and on for 14 years. Been under a doctors care for most of that, medicated often, suicide attempts four times for the real serious ones, hospital trips, and countless nights of trying to sleep with the lights and tv on.

Tonight I sat with women who have been through what I have been. I listened to their stories, my story, from their mouths. And I began to cry. For the woman whose daddy blackmailed her, or for the one who is still hurting or the ones from the shelter in town. the ones who just got away, the ones with fresh marks. The one who was lifting me up while she was still in pain. I felt God tonight in the healing, sharing simple words of these women. I shared what I had learned about my long journey and how scared I still am. I dont need to be brave in front of them.

They understand. I understand the words of anger, the self hatred, the confusion, the fear of ever trusting myself again.

PTSD is not something everyone gets apparently. Some soldiers or firemen or witnesses of accidents or crimes can get it, based on what their personal make up and histories are. Symptoms include, jumpiness, exagerrated startle response, depressions, anger, rage, nervousness, flashbacks at times based on triggers and that sort of thing. ( can be a scent of Irish Spring for me and I ll start trembling and crying)

One Dr told me once, that I had a severe case of it and I dismissed him. Not me. I m super woman. I can handle my life Dr Man...

Bad thing about denial is you dont know you are in it while you are in it! I have tried for years to be just like everyone else. Refusing to believe that some cretinous man could take away any part of my soul, my brain. He already took a piece of my body, I would be damned if I was going to give him one more minute of my life. I stuffed it away in a box and shoved it into the recesses of the basement of my soul, never to see the light of day. ( I planned)

Unfortunately, If one doesnt deal with big issues like rape, molestation, abuse, or any other trauma from earlier times, one WILL be facing it. The brain saves us for so long, but when it says its time, your body is safe, or "I cant take it no more" Ka Boom! Out explodes every oozy creepy nasty thought and memory you thought you successfully and neatly evaded.

After talking with these women, hugging them, and hearing their walks, battles and fears, I am surprised at how easily I was able to admit my fears and my anger when I couldnt get that far in months of a therapist's office! Maybe this group can help me move past this hatred of mankind, myself and my choices of my past. (I know I didnt choose what happened when I was 6, but the adult mind, tries to blame me. ) And apparently I am not alone. I am not alone.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Entertainers Go Felons For DV

First Up is a story about a porn star who is arrested in a double battle of DV over baby feeding with her fiance in Vegas while there for her Awards cermony in her field of uh, success...
Porn Star Arrested for Domestic Violence

Apparently she didnt have enough breast milk after a night of drunken partying and her beau thought pushing her into a wall would help speed the process. Both were arrested. No one stops to think of the infant involved, perhaps staying in and taking care of the kid instead of partying might have been a good idea. Perhaps making a living with a degree and avoiding men who mooch off of you might be good too. Have a bit of self respect keeps us from falling for asshats like these brusiers.

In other news from TMZ...
Bone Thugs-n-Harmony" rapper Flesh-n-Bone won't face any additional jail time after allegedly beating his wife -- because TMZ has learned, he struck a sweet deal with prosecutors to secure his freedom.

Flesh -- real name Stanley Howse -- was arrested back in January on suspicion of domestic violence after a fight with his wife allegedly turned violent. He was later charged with inflicting corporal injury on a spouse, threatening her, and false imprisonment.

But Howse and his attorney Shepard Kopp struck a deal with prosecutors -- in which Howse agreed to plead guilty to false imprisonment in exchange for dropping the first two chargesThug rapper? Read more

Nice if ya got the money you get the deal for wife beating? 3 years probation?? and 100 hours community service . Seriously?!

Lets hope he has the money for the divorce process and she screws him to the wall.

And Lastly:

For more screwy Justice Injustices..
Floyd Mayweather Gets 90 days for Beating up Baby Momma

To quote :
Floyd Mayweather Jr. got hammered by a judge, who just sentenced him to serve 90 days in jail for beating up his baby mama in front of their kids.

Floyd was sentenced to 6 months in jail, but 3 months of that sentence was suspended. He also gets 3 days credit for time he has already served.

TMZ broke the story ... the boxer was arrested in September 2010 -- after his ex-girlfriend accused him of striking her "multiple times in the head with his fist" and then threatening to kill her.

Ok.. a world class champion boxer smashing a woman with his fists, threatening to kill her, in front of her children and he gets 3 months in jail? this from a repeat offender. Apparently once a beater always one. And I dont know why anyone would think they could change an abuser. If one is publicly charged with beating a woman and arrested , why would the next one jump in to the situation so quickly?

I can understand if you didn't know the creep's background, because abusers can be so charming and so easy with words. They can isiolate the woman from their friends, family and woo them with gifts and apologies. Making the woman feel that perhaps she deserved it. But jumping in with a cobra and being surprised you got bit is pushing the limits to me.

Monday, January 16, 2012

Bill Might make DV a felony: Knuckle dragging mouth breathers

Gee, ya think so boys? Got to wait til the third wife beating for a felony?What the Hell is wrong with the picture? Know what happens when you beat a dog within an inch of its life?? check it out. More jail tiime than humans who are abused.

Bill makes 3rd DV a felony Its 2012 and lawmakers in Wisconsin are shaving their knuckles and standing upright for the first time in centuries. Read the article for more tidbits.

Apparently it is a misdemeanor to beat the crap out of your family and you can do it often.

to quote
Tyrone Adair's worst violent act wasn't his first.

Adair, who murdered two of his children and their mothers before killing himself in the Madison area in 2009, had a history of violence.

That's what Heather Severson of Appleton, a childhood friend of one of the victims, discovered after digging into Adair's background in the wake of his terrible crimes.

Severson learned something else: People who commit certain crimes in Wisconsin, like drunken driving, can face escalating charges if they re-offend and eventually can be charged as felons. But people who commit multiple domestic violence crimes don't face similar repercussions.

"It's constantly just a slap on the wrist," Severson said.

No pun intended...

I d like to slap more than his wrist. Authorites know from historical documentation from all over the US that violence escalates. Men who batter continue until the kill. And the more the dipshits get away with it, the more immune they think they are, the more powerful in their pea brains they become. And the more terrified and isolated the women become. She calls for help, he gets a slap on the wrist to return with more anger. What makes her think she can trust anyone anymore?

Society blames her for not leaving, not spotting it. She asks for help and the big he man police and courts do NOTHING to reprimand the guy. No prison or jail time of any penalty.

There is very little funding in few states for victims to use to run away. If she has kids she is tied to him legally in ways that make it impossible to hide.

She has not finances usually to leave, she is like a doog been beaten over the years who just cowers at a raised voice. She truly is frozen in place.

I beg of yall, get off your butts, tell your lawmakers in your states this stuff is not acceptable anymore.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Oh Goody

I had a swell week last week. Thought I would share with all you kids. Maybe it would benefit someone out there because it sure didnt make a fun week for me.

Last Thursday I m working on my Etsy stores ( I sell my jewelry and supplies on line to supplement my lil ol disabililty check). I had the patio door open since it was broad daylight, mid morning in a quiet neighborhood in a small town.

A loud noise from the patio makes my dog bark like mad, I look up to see three cops in my doorway with guns drawn and pointed at the floor shouting they were looking for a Hispanic male who just raped the next door neighbor. Well I m surely not hiding the bastard under my nightgown and now Im scared. They leave, telling me to lock everything down.

We were surrounded by cops, helicopters and news crews all day. I was spooked like hell as the flash backs from my own attack came unbidden. I left for awhile but I had to return eventually. Of course, I got cornered my one news quy who asked if I thought the lady would be ok.

Hell no she wont be ok. She might be physically ok, but she will never be the same. She was doing her job ( it was the leasing agent) on a sunny day and some idiot decided to ruin her life. I spoke up to the Hispanic audience ( I got the Telemundo guy for some reason) and urged the women who saw this to reach out and get help, to not suffer in silence yada yada. He asks my name at the end. I tell him my first name. And then the Goob asks for my last name. I told him " I dont think so!"

Unfortunately, I sound much braver on paper or in voice print. I turned in to a ball of jellyfish on a Galveston Beach at high tide. I shook and couldnt sleep for days. I began having nightmares for some reason and wouldnt turn the lights off. What ever was wrong since this had not happened to me??

APparently, even though my own rape was ten years ago, flashbacks and PTSD, is forever. I had to schedule some new counseling, new therapy and do some heavy crying this week. I felt totally helpless and like a big tittybaby. How could this be?

Oh I am full of anger that this crap can still affect me and then I think... I cant be the only one that lives like this. That noises can still startle me right now. what I feared the most is that this visceral, animal like fear was blocking my relationship with God. The one thing that had sustained me over the last ten years of my recovery. I had not believed for so long and slowly came to believe as I go sober.

Driven by a hundred forms of fear I drank to block out my feelings. As I sobered up and relied on Him, I grew in my faith that He would not forsake me. Yet that fear last Thursday was so intense and so bleak and desolate, I was frightened beyond words and thought I would never feel that strength from Him again.

I am happy to report that as the week has progressed and withthe help of talking with girlfriends and a counselor at the womens center, I am beginning to feel that faith ( or at least the lessening of the fear) and with that, I feel hope.

Monday, January 9, 2012

Click here The Horrors of Domestic Violence In Indonesia

Our Sisters in Indonesia Like many other smaller, more religious countries, face the stigma and shame of violence, abuse and rape in silence. there is no place to turn for help, no acknowledgement of it being a crime.

Here is part of the story, click above for the rest of Santi's story

In the communal violence that afflicted Ambon at the end of the 20th century, up to 13,000 men, women and children died, and many more were maimed and injured. Large numbers of people participated in, suffered from or witnessed acts of extreme violence, and many saw family members and friends being killed. Entire communities were driven from their homes and villages.

For the more vulnerable members of the community, particularly women and children, the communal violence often exacerbated violence they experienced at home at the hands of husbands, fathers and brothers. Violence against women in Indonesia is to a large degree not acknowledged or recognized as a problem, as incest, rape and domestic violence are all taboo subjects. Women who are beaten, tortured or abused by their husbands may be isolated from community support.

To provide psychological services to women and others suffering from violence, a group of six female psychologist-activists established the Pulih Foundation in 2001.

One of the worst cases of domestic violence in Ambon involved Santi, whose husband doused her with kerosene and set her on fire. In 2010, activists from Pulih drew attention to Santi’s case in the national media. Plastic surgeon Enrina Diah offered to provide her services without charge, and various donors raised funds to support a series of grueling operations involving many hours of complicated surgical procedures. Following these operations, Santi is now able to care for her son by herself, and to work to support them both.

Sunday, January 8, 2012


Woman Raped by Paramedic —in Ambulance: Cops Click here

Women can get to the Hospital safely now??Another sad pathetic example of how depraved and power hungry some cretin morons are who want to avuse women.

What is this world coming to? DId the MORON not think he would be caught?